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News State of the House: A Personal Story
When we started this journey in May, we weren’t expecting the boom and interest we received. Don’t get me wrong - we were literally only expecting several players at most on the server. But we were shocked to find that most of the community came back together. We were ecstatic to see so many familiar faces, and we wanted to ensure that you guys had a blast. We worked day and night, 16+ for some Admins and nearly 24 hours/7 days a week for DeathRealms and I to ensure you guys would have a great experience. And I’m pretty sure we delivered on that, and that brings a much needed smile to my face as you guys will later read why.

I already shared my mental state with some of y’all, but for those who don’t know, here’s the general gist of it: It’s on a rapid decline. See, I’ve always been a bit selfish. While the main goal for the server was to be as a passion project, the hidden motive for me was to use it as an escape from reality. It makes me happy when I see another person happy, whether it be face-to-face or through a screen. You guys did make me happy. Seeing you all hop on the server, the love and support you guys showed. The support from the amazing admin team - DeadManInc, Brock, DeathRealms (all people I’d like to think I got to know personally), and Jamo. I would excitedly log on every day and see 30-40 players on and do as much as I could to interact with y’all and make sure everyone was having a good time.

That was, until my escape from reality became reality.

We started receiving criticism. There were glaring issues and times of crises (like when DeathRealms deleted the world files). I would wake up and see 10+ discord notifications of complaint after complaint - some reasonable and others just hating on me or the server for no apparent reason. Then the reset happened and those who were originally supportive did a 180 and started claiming the server sucks. It didn’t help that I was spending most of my time indoors working - whether it be on the server or at Starbucks. I started to feel incredibly alone - waking up in the middle of the night with the urge to cry. But I didn’t. I hopped online to the 12 or so people on the server and chatted with them. But I couldn’t fight the urge to go back to bed. I was living in a cycle: Wake Up -> Work -> Go to work -> Work -> Go Home -> Work.

Then, some drama happened where a player was essentially doxxed, and their personal and past issues were suddenly thrown in their face. Personal experiences that the player and I had in common. After the admin team and I handled the issue, I sat back in complete darkness in silence, thinking back to the times when those experiences that happened to the player happened to me.

I eventually hit up DeadMan and opened up a bit, and he told me of Objectivism. Basically, it’s a philosophy where you should be selfish in order to ensure your own happiness. It is a right to be happy no matter the expense. Although our conversation about Objectivism was short, it stuck in the back of my mind.

Eventually, as some of you know, a girl slipped me a note at Starbucks. I hung out with that girl, and we had a blast. But the second I dropped her off, I realized that I was headed home to go back to my Work -> Sleep -> Repeat cycle. Instead, I drove out to my town’s harbor and sat on the dock, staring into the distance with For Forever from Dear Evan Hansen playing in my headphones:
All we see is light
'Cause the sun burns bright
We could be alright for forever this way
Two friends
True friends
On a perfect day
Anyone who’s familiar with Dear Evan Hansen know that the events in this song never happened. The song is a figment of Connor’s imagination. There was never a “perfect day”. There wasn’t any light, nor was there any “Two Friends/True Friends”. My brain somehow related the song and use it as a metaphor for the server. Truth is, I don’t see light. The sun doesn’t shine bright, and despite having an admin team of amazing individuals, I feel as if I was alone. In this hole that is endlessly being dug that I can’t escape. I started semi-seriously and semi-jokingly asking DeathRealms what we he do if I suddenly went missing, along with some other players. I didn’t get any “real” responses, and eventually a certain night happened…

I fell asleep at 9pm, but woke up at 12am. I was overwhelmed by the urge to cry (yeah imagine a fucking 19 year old crying). I logged onto the server to shake this feeling as I had done in the past, but it didn’t help. I eventually sent DeathRealms a message on discord that, in retrospect, was a clear sign I needed help:

[Image: Capture.PNG]
What the fuck was I thinking? I quickly came to my senses and stated that my message wasn’t about suicide (although it obviously fucking was), and stated that it was in regards to college coming up and the need to better myself. Let it be on record that this was false. I did ponder for an extended period of time (May - Now) on ending my life. I’m very unsure about my own future and where I’m headed, and whether or not I’ll experience the things I want to experience. I feel like I am walking aimlessly through a dark field all alone, desperately wanting to find some source of life. I recognize that I’m unhappy - and feel that this unhappiness is something that I can only temporarily escape from. Who wants to live life when they know that anything that brings you joy is temporary and will eventually be taken away? I recognize the need to better myself.

Eventually, I did somewhat better myself. I started hanging out with my old friends and getting out of the house. But I was overwhelmed by this guilt of not working on the server, not delivering the player experience I want to deliver, not being a good fucking owner.

And then, I ran into a brick wall. College tuition was due. My financial aid appeal was denied because “Merit scholarships are only given to 2% of students” (WELL FUCK OFF I HAD A 3.91 GPA MY SECOND SEMESTER). I’m not going into depth of my tuition costs, but right now, since my FAFSA doesn’t demonstrate that I need financial need - it’s in the range of $26,000/semester. (and this pretty much applied to every college I applied to. If you need to spend big money, might as well do it at a big-name school am I right).

This quickly tanked my mental health. But I was down to keep pushing on and finding a balance between the server and bettering myself. That was, until I received a message from Brock requesting some time off. I’m not going to go into details on why he requested this, but what he told me was exactly what I was feeling in regards to the server and life in general. I don’t think I can better myself by spending so much of my time on the server, especially with my second year of college right around the corner.

I don’t want to be known as the guy who abandoned LoneWolves and let it die. Who abandoned the playerbase and left the server to rot. A lot of work has gone into the server: Custom coded plugins, searching for youtubers (which sounds easy on paper, but is very hard in reality), community engagement and slight moderizations to the OG Factions gamemode. But if I want to better myself, then I’m going to have to distance myself from the server a bit. Lately, I’ve been going outside more, hanging out with friends, and texting this wonderful person (who I may or may not be interested in and who may or may not be going to NYU and who may have or may have not already invited me to her dorm wink wink), which is why my activity has seemingly died down.

I just want to make it clear that I’m not resigning from my Owner position - nor am I abandoning the server. I just want to explain my current inactivity and future inactivity. I care about this server and its community so much, and I don’t want to be viewed as this guy who just disappeared without saying any goodbyes. I’ll still be here for y’all, being HouseMann - preventing hyperinflation and assisting players through both discord and in-game.

I care about LoneWolves and its community so much. So much in fact that I feel somewhat comfortable opening up to y’all (and also our belief in transparency). Thank you all for understanding, I love you all.

P.S - We’ve got some big moves coming soon that I’m purposely not mentioning to build hype on what it would be, hehe. More information will be revealed once my small project team begins on it.

P.S.S -  Sorry if there are any grammar errors or if I was repeating myself in parts.
We love you house and we want to support you all the way. Although we may just be Minecraft friends, behind each screen is a caring person. If you ever need anything at all homie please hit me up. Smile We joke around a lot but in the end ur one of my friends house and I care about you. <3

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